A Thread About Absent and Estranged Fathers

[Hidden Character]

As some of you already know from over on FB, my biological father finally got in contact with my family earlier this week and my initial reaction was a mind clouded with angered, sadness, and confusion that affected me quite a bit at work on Thursday. Apparently, he was down here not too long ago for a funeral and got in contact w/someone that led him to calling my mother's old high school. From there he did some research of Grandpa's lineage online and that, somehow, led him to accessing our home number and when my aunt spoke to him, he dropped his phone when she told him about me. It came as a shock to him that my mom somehow managed to keep being pregnant a secret to him, which caused much of the sadness and confusion I was feeling on Wednesday.


Well, after giving it some though yesterday while at work, I finally decided to call him yesterday when I got home from work and we spoke for over an hour about life, upbringings, and how he met my mother and how he kept searching for her over the years despite misspelling her name as "Curtisk". He went to school at South Carolina and currently lives in Decatur, GA and has 2 other sons, one's 25 and the other's 30 (I'm 27) and he also went to USC (excuse me, S CAR or Sakerlina) and I enjoyed talking to him, but.......


I'm not sure we'll even get past addressing each other by first name and he might as well be a random-ass FB friend or some drinking buddy for happy hour for I thought he was either a deadbeat dad or dead for the longest and I once thought about looking for him, but said the hell with it and went back to looking up to Grandpa all the way up until his death last May as he served as the undisputed father figure in my life. I feel absolutely no connection to him and will not rack my brain trying to answer a plethora of questions surrounding this bombshell that I didn't intend to ever experience. So, for now, I suppose calling once a month is a start and even though I technically have 2 half-brothers by his account, I still consider my an only child in my family and, apparently, it's a cycle as Grandpa didn't discover his dad back in the day until his mid-late 20s, but at least he got along w/his half-brother (my favorite great-uncle, btw). There was some talk about taking a DNA test at some point to verify this ordeal, but for now, it's not like any of us are welcoming him into our lives w/open arms, so the distance works.

All these papas being rolling stones, I tell ya. Feel fee to share your tales of absent fatherhood if you have any.

 

[Marek]

I hate to hear how hard you've had it, especially when its you, one of the perennial nice guys and most well-liked members here.

It seems like you're handling it the best, most mature and logical way possible. If I can offer a comment, try and know the guy. He probably feels as much pain about it as you do, only a different kind.

I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing your ordeal. I hope it progresses into something that doesnt bring either of you down and makes you both feel better in some way.

Cheers! /raises pbr

I've had my own confusing father-figure experiences. Mine got married twice, had me and my brother with the first wife, then came out of the closet as a gay man at age 55 after divorcing with the second wife. Yeah. Childhood was interesting. Absent/estranged... not technically, but a typical masucline father-figure he was not.

 

[Darklighterx]

Damn.

One day at a time buddy. I wish I had something similar to share, but I don't.

You're well entitled to the emotions afflicting you, but keep the comms open and take it slow. Try to make and keep this as positive as possible.

 

[aria]

Well, you could consider looking at it like this: while he may very well have been a deadbeat towards your mom (and you), at least your biological father isn't (at least so far) some sort of sociopath or other cluster where you'd start wondering about whether or not you inherited those traits. Heck, he's probably relieved that you ended up the way you did: a balanced, college-educated man, no doubt thanks to your mom and grandfather. In the end, you've got nothing to prove to him. If he stays in contact and becomes your friend, he'll probably be extra curious when you have kids (the grandparent feeling), but you will always have every moral right to control the influence/access he has on you or, down the line, your family --if you decide to allow any.

I have a really good friend who's biological dad suddenly popped back in the picture now that he had a kid. While the dad is estranged (he was raised by his mom), they were still on very infrequent speaking terms (and certainly not much love there). Now he's trying to figure out whether he wants his somewhat layabout biological dad/grandfather of his child, as well as his uncle with a criminal background (who is associated with his dad), having access to his child. That's a messier situation, and I'm glad you don't have to deal with that.

It would be strange to discover that you also had two half-brothers though.

 

[SPINMASTER X]

If you don't mind my asking, why did your mom keep it a secret from him?

 

[NeoCverA]

Alrighty then here's my bit in on this thread.

Parents divorced at the tender age of nine months. Probably saw my dad (at most) once a year when we were living in the same state. Come to discover that he wasn't more than a few hours away from me during that time. I would call him from time to time and to his defense (it was always for money). $50 a month in child support can be stretched only so far I suppose.

Mom didn't paint a pretty picture of the man but didn't necessarily try to sabotage the relationship. Single parent, only child dynamic led me to be an ear of her past/ friend in rough times, etc. I didnt form an opinion based on the intel; however. We moved @ 2000 miles away after elementary school so one can imagine how often I might have seen him then.

Freshman year I get a friend request from pops to go visit for bit during the summer. Apparently he's not doing so hot. It was an alright time I suppose, first morning at dads he puts me to work on his yard, pick fruit from his trees and (as far as I'm concerned) brought in to do what he no longer could. ---I've come to some sense of understanding behind the manual labor which I won't get into here. He recorded a lot of my time spent with him on video, etc.

He visits at one point and buys me a car which was a surprise. Wasn't anything new or fancy but it was my first and mine. I shared some rough times with mom growing up with regards to finances so it was a very nice gesture which was wholeheartedly appreciated.

Senior year, I am informed that he has passed away. I fly over for the funeral, his wife gives me an envelope with 30k and sends me on my way. Another surprise. Needless to say, this money is how I was able to get a neo-geo and games for years to come. Bought mom a car paid on a home, bills, etc. Money doesn't last and I have no regrets on how it was spent.

One day, during my twenties, I'm in the car with mom and she happens to mention to me that she isn't 100% certain that the man that I didn't see very often, bought me my first car and financed some of the greatest gaming memories of my life, was even my father. I didn't say much and the other man she claims may have a stake in my DNA lives today.

I have not tried to contact him nor am I interested in being a part of his life but I'll be damned if im not curious about the truth.

I don't have complaints of my life, mom did a nice job. I finished school, college, have my own family now. There is just that question mark lingering above my head. The older I get I think more about it in terms of lineage, history, health, for me and my daughter. I might try to set up a testing date with this man sometime.

There is nothing constructive that will come of confronting my mother ( or yours) about the decisions they made about our pasts. I'm sure she was unloading her guilt and had little to do with me as I would have been just fine not knowing about her doubts. It is what is.

There was this guy that as far as we both knew, was my dad. He did what he wanted with the relationship and towards the end, thought about that relationship enough to invite me into his life. I don't have my neo anymore but it was because of his final gesture that allowed me to explore something I wouldn't have been able to without him.

 

[BigTinz]

Give em a chance if he's not a creep.

 

[SetaSouji??]

If it makes you feel better, I don't have a father at all.

 

[BigTinz]

...why would that make anyone feel better?

 

[abasuto]

That's a tough story man. I'd by all means attempt to reach out to him. I'm sure this is as much a shock to him as it is you.

As for me, I had a father who died when I was 21. He was pretty much a work-o-holic and pseudo-anarchist.

It's odd though. Despite him being in my life the entire time, I can't recall many memories of him. At points I almost forget what he looked like.

 

[Hot Chocolate]

Parents had a history of alcohol abuse, kept things semi quite up until the time my sister turned 8. After that some days would be ok others for me not so much, by then I was in my teens and would just either hang with friends and then sleep at a relatives place and this would just keep going.

They still hit the bottles and possibly now maybe separated( on one in the family is bothered enough to dig through their bs to find out ), once I hit 18 I saw no reason to keep in contact with them since it normally leads to an argument but during family functions I keep it cordial but again I limit my interaction with them

I consider myself to mainly have been raised by various aunt, uncles and grandparents. They always made sure I was grounded and not hanging out in the streets and etc

 

[Heath]

My dad left my mum when i was 3. didn't see him or hear from him till i was 15 when he just turned up out the blue. built a relationship with him and when i was around 17 he left again without saying and ive not seen him since. I know he's in Florida somewhere and been there around 10 years. He dosnt even know he's a grandad.

 

[IDCHAPPY]

Sorry to all you folks that didnt have a proper dad there, mines worked alot when i was younger so missed abit of him when growing up but he was there.
As a dad myself to two kids i find it hard to imagine not being there for them,even if me and the wife split up i'd still to everything in my power to be about and a part of their lives. Can't imagine how some fathers can just dissapear on their kids

 

[Nesagwa]

I don't think you should be angry at him or hold any resentment. He didn't do anything wrong here. This same exact thing happened to my brother in law last year, but he was lucky enough to be contacted by his daughter recently while she is still young (she's 8).

On the other hand you have no incentive to start a relationship with him or your newly discovered half brothers if you don't want to.

On the other other hand they could be great people. Not like my asshole brother.

 

[Hidden Character]

If you don't mind my asking, why did your mom keep it a secret from him?

Fuck if I know, Spin, but he told had he known, he would've tried to relocate us to South Carolina and I couldn't bear the thought of being raised in The Deep South. Therefore, I have no qualms about her decision for the most part, but I probably would've wound up going to Clemson for college had things worked out in his favor back then up to age 18.

On the other other hand they could be great people. Not like my asshole brother.

Nes, how many hands do you have?

If it makes you feel better, I don't have a father at all.

Nah, dude. That doesn't make anyone feel better.

 

[Nesagwa]

Fuck if I know, Spin, but he told had he known, he would've tried to relocate us to South Carolina and I couldn't bear the thought of being raised in The Deep South. Therefore, I have no qualms about her decision for the most part, but I probably would've wound up going to Clemson for college had things worked out in his favor back then up to age 18.



Nes, how many hands do you have?



Nah, dude. That doesn't make anyone feel better.

My other other hand is a foot.

 

[Hidden Character]

My other other hand is a foot.

Makes sense.

 

[94TC]

HC, one step at a time homie

 

[Hidden Character]

HC, one step at a time homie

Indeed.

 

[K_K]

my parents split up when i was maybe a year old, and my father kinda disappeared for years. and it wasn't until i was about 4 or so that he'd do this crap just to bother my mom where he'd want us for a random weekend or so just to piss off my mom as she was getting remarried. mind you in this time my ma was working two jobs, and trying to keep a roof over our heads and at the same time trying to keep my older sister and i in a decent daycare because there was no place to keep us kids during the day. then when i was about 5 my mom and stepdad got married.

i always had a bit of a beef with my stepdad over him taking my mom from me i guess. but also he was an odd character. i remember when he first came along he was real nice and would take my sister and i places and we'd go out and do stuff and have fun. then within a couple of years of them being married he changed completely. my first step sister was born and he got mean and short with my older sister and i on a daily basis. so my older sister and i had to form a bit of an alliance to try and keep out of his way. but for years we'd get smacked and kicked and pushed around when my mom wasn't looking. when she was he would behave. it was lame. meanwhile my real father well...i don't know where he was. he showed back up when i was about 12.

he had a new house in the rich part of town, a new wife who was about 30 years older than him, a pickup truck from the 50's she'd gotten restored for him, a BMW motorcycle, my grandpa's delorean, and a huge drug problem. he'd always had a problem with alcohol and drugs, but it had gotten worse. he'd come around ever so often, looking like hell and mooching off this old lady he lived with. he had his own business or so he said, really he was just selling pot out of his garage, but he claimed he was self employed. really he just bummed around at this old lady's house, and did fuck all, all day. i remember going over there a few times, and riding his motorcycle on my own, and being in the delorean, and for once it felt like he was actually trying to be a father. but that fell apart after he sold the delorean, left the old lady, and went off on another few years of benders, booze, and drugs.

meanwhile my stepdad and mom had a few more kids. and my older sister moved out as soon as she could. i got a job as soon as i could to avoid being around my stepdad. he'd gotten meaner, and would actively seek to start fights with me i don't understand why, i wasn't a bad kid. i just didn't want to be around him. i remember when i was 16 he got angry and started throwing punches and i didn't know what to do so i hit him back. got him in the gut, he got me in the face. and all my mom would do is sit there and cry about stuff. it was terribly depressing. so i spent most of my teen years at my friend's houses, only coming home on weekdays to sleep, and staying out as much as i can between friday and sunday. and working in that burger joint every day after school. anything to keep out of the house.

haven't seen my father since i was about 14, i'm 24 now. my stepdad finally talks to me like a person and not some sort of kid that he hates. and my mom doesn't cry about everything anymore. she doesn't like my stepdad anymore, just puts up with him as he's damn near 60, and prolly not much longer for this world with the way he drinks these days. my dad has congestive heart failure is semi functional from what i understand. but wont kick the booze, or the drugs, so he wont be around much longer either. my childhood was one of being beaten up by my stepdad, and sitting there staring out the window waiting for my dad to come pick us up on a friday afternoon like he said he would. and then him of course not showing up.

i got a lot of anger in me for the guy, and for my stepdad. both of whom aren't long for this world and have seemingly lived lives they (to me anyway) regret. i don't like to relive the memories of the nights my mom would have to work and my stepdad would give me a smack on the head and a kick up the arse and tell me to go to bed. i didn't have a proper father figure in my life, so i had to make my friends my male influence. and its a good thing i had good friends. sure some of em got up to some shady stuff, i had plenty of bad examples at home to of what not to do, and how not to behave. both my dad and stepdad burned their bridges with me. i know one isn't supposed to turn their back on family. but sometimes its really hard not to do so. finding your dad on the floor of that rich old lady's house in a puddle of his puke, bottle of whiskey in one hand, and pills spilled on the table has an effect on a kid. and having your ass kicked daily by a man who's supposed to protect and defend you when you're a defenseless little kid. well it ruins your perception of that man too.

just look at it this way HC yours just wasn't there at all, and you've got the opportunity to start a relationship with the man on what is seemingly a clean slate. take what you got and see where it takes you.

 

[Mike Shagohod]

I'm sorry you had to go through that HC, but it sounds like you had an awesome grandfather (who IS your father no matter what) and if this man want to know you, at this point in your life... you have nothing to lose and everything to gain IMO. Things don't feel right, you just jam. You owe him nothing, but evenso... wouldn't it be even more interesting to get to know your two half brothers? (I did read that right, right?) Who knows, they could be shitheads, but they might prove to be people worth knowing.

I was an only child, a prayer baby if you will. Parents married in 1965 but I came along 12 years later after they thought (and had accepted) my mother was barren. Then in 1978 "I just was". While I've come to understand and even like who I am as a person, there are days I wish I never was. You didn't know your father but turned out great. I had a father but didn't know him until I was almost 8 years old. Until that time mom raised me because he was "married" to the USAF, ending his last six of twelve {in the Training Instructor Program) as a Blue Rope T.I. pushing troops at Lackland retiring after 23 years total. When I did see him at home, it was immediately some crazy games that made no sense to me. Though I rather liked him assisting me with shooting guns at age 4 (when he had the time) and showing me proper firearms safety. To make up for lost time, he'd buy me all this stuff (20 GI JOEs at a time... 12 Transformers, etc.) and kids envied me and though I was rich. We weren't A bit later I badgered him into beginning my paramilitary training at age 10 and it went on until about 19. And why wouldn't I? I just figured I'd go into the service like him, only I wanted to be in the Marines or Army and jump out of planes and shit. (Fate played havoc on me IN SPITE OF the prior training)

If you had a grandfather and loving mother who was in your life, you're solid gold man. That's better than having a father you really didn't know and idolized when he was round as larger than life, only to turn around at age 13 and have an affair that destroyed your mother who's only job in life was being dutiful wife, and when she broke at age 14, you had to forgo your teenage years to "help mom" and even drive her onto a military installation illegally at 14 to have her stomach pumped from a would be suicide. Only to then do a 180 when I was 23 and refind the Lord Jesus Christ and become the man he should have been while I was growing up. It's a miracle my parents weathered though all that and they're fine now (for the most part)... but that only confused me more too. A bit later I'd become "born again" but look at how I behave half the time. There's stuff going on that I can't compute within me and a restlessness that always propels me to go against even spiritual beliefs in favor of "high adventure" and being a free spirit, only to become spiritually conflicted and end up going nuts, and denying myself things, that then boil over and I go stupid again. ---I won't even go into with me being a people person, but cannot work around others in jobs outside of certain circles without flipping out due to their bullshit.

Then I read everyone else's responses in this thread, and just shake my head. I had no idea just how "common" how not knowing who your father is was! I wonder how many of you may have had brothers or sisters though? Cause I can tell you, being an only child sucked more than it was blessing. It forges you into a naturally "suspicious minded" (not trusting at first) who's #1 goal in life is "Survival by any means necessary" and until one can master that part of them (it's hard) you walk through life making friends around you INTO the family you didn't have only to be let down and/or betrayed and then you remember why you're a stray dog, and that one must depend on themselves. ---This is also a reason why it's hard (even now) calling on Jesus Christ for me. By the time I made an alter call I was already worn down and self reliant.

I'm sorry to see/read so many of you didn't have fathers. I had one but really didn't, but he's proven to be an awesome grandfather now, and at times it pisses me off for how fucked up I REALLY am (no bullshit here), but managed to not be dead or in prison at this point too. And then the wife and I have split but are under the same roof for some fucked up reasons. I can't abandon my kids and am killing myself to see that they attend a private school with roots in God. Unlike my Godless self growing up in the public sector just getting more fucked in the head. I know it's not a "full proof" plan and it has it's own down sides... but it's better than what my old man did for me. And the paramilitary skills I still have don't do shit for me, I had to undo all of that and use the mindset and efficiency of it all into "Security" jobs and other stuff. I don't understand how any man can leave their kids behind though. I'm struggling right now to keep them in my life, it's the ex who wants to be a bitch about it all.

I feel for you HC. GET TO KNOW HIM and your brothers! If it's not what you want, then jam. Otherwise you might be passing up something that could enrich you and make you even more awesome at this season of your life. You have no idea how badly I wish to one day get a knock at the door and learn I have a half brother or half sister from either Japan (My dad almost married in Misawa in 1963), or Vietnam (from his time in NAM)... but he says "No chance" on Katsuko having given birth to a kid of his, and he kept it in his pants in the nam. Sadly, to this day I'm selfish and want to have a sibling but KNOW it won't ever happen. I AM a real life Snake Plissken and while it's cool at times, it sucks too.

Go for it man. Nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

[Decepticon]

My dad disappeared when I was 1. He left my mom who a year earlier had twins and also had my sister who was 3.

Fast forward to 1997, I met him for the first time only to find out I had a little brother who he fought for custody and won.

My brother now lives not too far from me and I see him or talk to him daily but I haven't spoken to my dad since 1999. Shortly after my daughter was born he said he can't wait to meet his granddaughter to which I went off and told him if he ever came as close as the same state as her I'd personally make sure he spent the rest of his life on a feeding tube.

I personally couldn't care less what happens to him, I don't hate him at all, I just have absolutely no emotion towards him. He is no less a stranger to me as the random people I pass on my way to work every day but I firmly stand by the fact he has not and will never deserve the right to have myself or my daughter in his life.

My twin brother and sister may feel differently, honestly we don't even talk about him but my younger brother (who he raised) has his own reservations about him.

I truly feel that we got the better end of the deal, he was an abusive alcoholic who would go from job to job, city to city, conning and scamming people out of money then move on.

Around 2004 he was convicted for punching a 4 year old....about 20 times. Now he is out and since my brother has moved from Vegas to Mississippi, he now wants to move to the area.

Entertaining times are a comin'

 

[sammybean]

My parents split when I was in 2nd grade, for the first few years my father was around, every other weekend we spent with him and on the off weekend he'd usually visit for half a day. As grade school came to a close he picked up a high-power job as president of sales and marketing for a paper and ink place, then my brother and I saw less and less of him until he disappeared from our radar entirely from like 8th grade through a year or two after high school. Then he came back with a vengeance, quit the big job, started building boats, helps my brother and I out all the time, visits almost weekly even though he lives 3 hours away.

And what I think is weird is it's never bothered me. My parents got divorced and teachers/counselors/family all acted like it was this big deal, always asking if I was okay, but I never really noticed one way or the other. Same with when he up and disappeared. It was just kind of "oh".

Perhaps I'm not 100% within the guidelines of the thread, but he was gone for my entire teenage years and since my perspective seems vastly different from everyone else's I figured I'd toss in.

 

[aria]

Perhaps I'm not 100% within the guidelines of the thread

No, this is 100% not within the guidelines of the thread:

 

[Spike Spiegel]

My mom was a prositute. No, I'm not joking. So, she had no clue who my dad was. I remember doing a few tests as a little kid, hoping "maybe this is my dad.... maybe THIS is my dad." After three guys, she just gave up. What a fucking whore.

Now that she's dead, life for me is a little like I'm just a video game character with no back story.

Thing is, I'm fine with it. I'm not all upset about it or anything. That's just the way it is. If I met him today (and, as my back story would suggest, that's now impossible) I would want nothing to do with him. So, HC, I know how you feel. He's just some guy on Facebook as far as you're concerned. And there's nothing wrong with feeling that way. You've lived this long without him, you'll be just fine continuing on without him.