Any tips for dealing with an older family member who is an alcoholic?

[MetalSlugVet]

I’ve have a uncle who I love dearly, he is in his upper 50’s and has a alcohol problem. His wife is talking about divorce as of late, he gets mean when he drinks and due to quarantine it’s been worse then ever lately. He has been spending weeks at a time drunk.

I’ve been thinking of recording him on video as he becomes angry and belligerent and showing him the next day. I’m hoping some of you have dealt with a similar issue and found a solution.

P.s. he doesn’t think he has a problem which I think may put him in the lost cause Category but I feel the need to try to help. He is the nicest guy when sober but becomes a monster when he drinks.

 

[NexusX]

I have the same problem man. Uncle in his late 50s and he is an extreme alcoholic. Some people want help and others don't. We (just last week) had to ask him how he felt about going to rehab and he said "he wasn't quite ready to go yet".... We then told him we were just asking him HOW he felt about going... Not that he had a choice of going.

 

[Heinz]

Man I'd hate to turn into an asshole when drunk! Of all the things in this world to be denied the pleasure of... sucks to be them.

 

[Takumaji]

There almost always is a reason or a number of reasons why someone becomes an alcoholic. Next to accepting his addiction as a problem for him and his loved ones, it's very important to dig a little deeper to find out what fuels it, otherwise all rehab efforts will be a waste of time.

Not sure about that video thing.

 

[StevenK]

He'll just get defensive if you pull out the video and feel cornered - that'll let him feel like a victim which will give him a good reason to drink.

It's a difficult cycle and I've yet to see someone break it because of someone else's intervention. Of all the people I've ever seen shake it off in the end it was just because they personally wanted to. My family have been ok with it but my other half's family has been completely destroyed by it, so many of them dead and the rest trying to make it that way.

Long story short, it's a waiting game.

 

[Rocko]

I'd also advise against cornering him with a video. How drunk does he get? Does he remember he's been mean?

If you can have a normal dialogue about it when he's in a sober state, without getting into an argument, you should try that. Never say directly he has a drinking problem, even though that is the case, try to make him understand it's an issue your whole family has together. Would he say/do the same things he does drunk when he's sober? If he's is the nicest guy when sober, he will understand he hurts the people he loves the most.

In the end, the best solution is to get professional help, but he needs to understand there is an issue to begin with, which may take some time. Usually its a deeper issue like mentioned, but I wouldn't dig too deep, because you may touch a nerve and it may make him defensive. Let the professionals do the digging bit. Many men have a hard time talking about not feeling well. It may very well be these bottled up feelings and frustrations that come to light.

 

[lithy]

You ever go drinking with him? Maybe he needs a buddy.

 

[NeoSneth]

Don't accept a single one of his excuses. They will always have a long list of them for everything. I don't mean excuses as to why he drinks, but excuses for everything else that is falling apart.

 

[MetalSlugVet]

Nexus- wow that’s weird we have that in common. Let me know if you find something that works for him and I’ll message you if I find something that works for my uncle!

As far as others have said yes I have had drinks with him many times and tried to the be the friend he needs. Unfortunately he gets angry with me and brings up mistakes from my past. This is stuff that happened like 12 years ago while i was in high school lol. He also loves to give me advice while drunk but it’s hard to take advice from someone who’s life is in shambles and he is sluring his words of wisdom. I’ve even gotten into a fight of sorts while he was drunk ( more of a wrestling match) he grabbed my neck in a rear naked choke very tight not in a playful way and I flipped him from behind In a blink of an eye.

I understand the video thing is kind of a dick move but I’ve tried everything and don’t know what else to do. He may need to hit rock bottom unfortunately. I don’t think he believes people when they say he turns mean when drunk.. that’s where I got the idea to show him the reality of what he is like drunk.

Thanks for all the replies, i know most everyone has known an alcoholic but it’s hard when it’s a family member that is hard to distant yourself from.

 

[Neodogg]

you can only help those who want to be helped...

 

[smokehouse]

I'm going to start with this...I'm not the best at advice in this area...

With that said, I've had a lot of addicts in my life and in the lives of those around me and so far, the turnaround success rate is a nice round number, 0%.

Addicts thrive off of love...they destroy it, they manipulate it, they use it as a tool to get what they want from those that care about them. They will beat you to death with it and if they can, take you down with them. Every attempt I've see at turning around an addict ends in fire. Either the healthy people walk away leaving them to their own devices, or they continue to live with them after relapse #242, or the addict dies. My wife's aunt suffered her daughter for 20 fucking years, from her eating disorders to eventual drinking it was in/out/in/out of rehab, clinics, the hospital until she finally did herself in last year, leaving her entire family in a complete state of destruction. She tormented her mother, father, and sister for two decades because they let back in no matter what and she abused that until the very end.

My uncle was just like yours...a mean, violent drunk. My aunt suffered him for nearly 20 years until she finally left him on his own. He beat her, raped her, beat my cousins...but used her love to live like that for decades. He's a miserable pile of shit somewhere now...hopefully dying of liver failure.

My other aunt ruined her entire life drinking, lost her high end job at IBM, lost her children to the state...eventually died of it but before she did, she drug the entire family in the dirt for 30 years. He first husband was no better, a violent drunk he beat her and my cousins before fatally mixing some pills/booze and dying in his sleep in the mid 80's.

My other uncle's wife became addicted to opiates after a car crash in the late 90's...she dove deeper and deeper into pills, mentally abusing him until he decided to leave her around 2004. She finally OD'd accidentally on oxy a few years later.

I could go on and on...

With the many times I've seen addiction in someone, I've yet to see them overcome it. I know that's not the case elsewhere, but it is in my tiny world.

 

[Heinz]

You ever go drinking with him? Maybe he needs a buddy.

This is a mental health issue, alcohol is just the medicine. But I get your point, ride the same wave he is and see if you can come back to shore with him. It's an attempt but it requires you to be a drinker alongside him, it comes with a cost.

 

[smokehouse]

This is a mental health issue, alcohol is just the medicine.

This is often the largest point right here. For a vast majority of these people, they're mentally ill. Now...getting them to see or admit that and then get help for it? Yeah...not so easy.

I grew up thinking that my mother was an alcoholic. She was highly abusive to me, both mentally and physically and liquor made it so much worse. She quit drinking over 10 years ago but it still just at awful, I had to cut her from my life in 2015.

 

[LoneSage]

LoneSage viewing this thread:

 

[lithy]

This is a mental health issue, alcohol is just the medicine. But I get your point, ride the same wave he is and see if you can come back to shore with him. It's an attempt but it requires you to be a drinker alongside him, it comes with a cost.

You assume his diagnosis is correct. I'm not so certain.

 

[ChopstickSamurai]

Man I'd hate to turn into an asshole when drunk! Of all the things in this world to be denied the pleasure of... sucks to be them.

My old man was the same exact way. Confronting him when sober did not go well either. Unfortunately I have no solution for you. The person with the problem needs to want help. Maybe your aunt leaving or giving ultimatums will help him want to want help.

 

[MetalSlugVet]

My old man was the same exact way. Confronting him when sober did not go well either. Unfortunately I have no solution for you. The person with the problem needs to want help. Maybe your aunt leaving or giving ultimatums will help him want to want help.

Yes I fear there is no solution sadly. It sucks watching people you love throw their life away.

If the NFL is selling tickets this year even with the quarantine I will take him to a game. It’s something we both love and he has taken me to a coupe of games over the years. One more great memory with him would be nice, you never know when your time is up in life.

 

[100proof]

Got a few problem drinkers in my family and as others have said, they'll never quit until they're ready. Sometimes a loved one (wife, child, etc.) giving them an ultimatum will be the impetus they need but for a lot of people with actual addictions, they need to hit rock bottom before they're willing to accept that there's a problem. Often times, rock bottom never comes and they just drink themselves to death. Happened to a few people in my family.

 

[StevenK]

Often times, rock bottom never comes and they just drink themselves to death.

Yeah this is true. What's also an inconvenient truth is that not only does rock bottom not necessarily ever come, but often nothing crushingly negative at all happens to the alcoholic. They live relatively normal lives with relatively normal lifespans but they're just a pain in the ass to be around after a certain time each day.

Which is just about the time I log on here for the evening

 

[theMot]

Yeah this is true. What's also an inconvenient truth is that not only does rock bottom not necessarily ever come, but often nothing crushingly negative at all happens to the alcoholic. They live relatively normal lives with relatively normal lifespans but they're just a pain in the ass to be around after a certain time each day.

Which is just about the time I log on here for the evening

Are you trying to tell us your wife is a piss pot?

 

[Force]

A buddy of mine got clean a few years ago because it got to the point where he was going to lose his professional license. That's what did it. He had to choose it.

He said all the forced rehabs and interventions just made him angrier and made him want to drink more.

 

[F4U57]

Lost my father and both my uncles to alcohol, I never met their father, but I’ve been told he was a savage alcoholic too. I do believe there is a disposition to alcoholism that runs in your genetics. I know I’ve battled my own demons many times but I’ve been pretty good the last couple of years. Now I worry about my children.

Your uncle will get help when he wants it. Or not... Maybe he just prefers getting drunk. He’ll need to fill the void giving up alcohol will leave, that’s hard and different for everyone.

Look him in the eyes and tell him you love him and tell him he’s hurting you. I hope he gets better.

 

[NeoSneth]

Lost my father and both my uncles to alcohol, I never met their father, but I’ve been told he was a savage alcoholic too. I do believe there is a disposition to alcoholism that runs in your genetics. I know I’ve battled my own demons many times but I’ve been pretty good the last couple of years. Now I worry about my children.

Your uncle will get help when he wants it. Or not... Maybe he just prefers getting drunk. He’ll need to fill the void giving up alcohol will leave, that’s hard and different for everyone.

Look him in the eyes and tell him you love him and tell him he’s hurting you. I hope he gets better.

It's very important to separate this from genetics. I've sat in on some AA meetings, and so many of them blamed genetics because their family had alcoholics. There is not a gene that makes you more more prone to alcoholism or child abuse. This exists as a pattern primarily due to learned behavior. You could argue there are genes that make you more likely to fall into patterns of behavior, but there is nothing that drives alcoholism.

 

[MetalSlugVet]

Lost my father and both my uncles to alcohol, I never met their father, but I’ve been told he was a savage alcoholic too. I do believe there is a disposition to alcoholism that runs in your genetics. I know I’ve battled my own demons many times but I’ve been pretty good the last couple of years. Now I worry about my children.

Your uncle will get help when he wants it. Or not... Maybe he just prefers getting drunk. He’ll need to fill the void giving up alcohol will leave, that’s hard and different for everyone.

Look him in the eyes and tell him you love him and tell him he’s hurting you. I hope he gets better.

Thank you for the kind words and sorry to hear about your Father. I will update this thread even if it’s years later and he gets clean.

 

[wyo]

Get him to switch over to weed instead.